Escape Pod Flash: Standards

Show Notes

Rated G. Contains proven impossibilities.

Statement from Rachel Swirsky:
Richard K. Lyon died on November 21. When I contacted him last month to ask if he still wanted this piece to run on our podcast, he said that the doctors didn’t give him long, but that he hoped this would give the world “one last laugh.”

Escape Artists dedicates this production to his memory. We wish the best to him, and to his family.


Standards

By Richard K. Lyon

After careful examination of your manuscript no 113785, Corbamite, An Insulator Against Gravity, the editors of Review of Physics have concluded that it is not suitable for publication in this journal. This decision is final and further correspondence on this subject will serve no useful purpose.

Since the above may seem somewhat harsh, let me say what I can to mitigate it. The editors do appreciate that you are working under difficult circumstances: when the senior author of a paper is deceased, it is always hard for the junior author to complete the work in an appropriate manner. Also let us assure you that we do believe you. You have told us that with his dying breath Professor Steinhardt handed you his notebook and said, “Have this published in Review of Physics.” Such an action would be completely in character for Steinhardt since he was a true scientist.

As for your claim that Professor Steinhardt made this statement as he was expiring from disintegrator rays wounds suffered during your escape from the City of Disembodied Brains on Altair IV, our believing that is a somewhat different matter but we need to go into that.

Escape Pod 184: As Dry Leaves That Before the Wild Hurricane Fly

Show Notes

Rated G. Contains Santa revisionism and aerial combat.

Special Closing Music: “Chiron Beta Prime,” by Jonathan Coulton.


As Dry Leaves That Before the Wild Hurricane Fly

By Mur Lafferty

Comet and Cupid were fifteen, and took after their father, both spending the most time in the workshop tinkering with Father’s tools. Christmas was coming soon and they were preparing their yearly trip to the same orphanage that had cared for them. With nine children to raise on his own, Claus could no longer adopt, but he still found it very important to care for the children in any way he could. So he took a load of toys to the children every year, with his children helping him distribute.

Their siblings sat around their great sitting room, some crowding on sofas, some sitting on chair cushions or arms, and Rudolph, the baby at eleven, sat at his father’s feet. He was an imposing man with a barrel chest and wild white hair and beard. When he would get excited about a project, his blue eyes would twinkle and he’d look like a madman.

Escape Pod Flash Fiction Contest, Honorable Mention: Silence


by Rachel Swirsky.
Read by Ann Leckie.  

Whatever the midwife told you, it’s not true.

I cannot walk through walls. I cannot conjure a chicken and make it dance or start a fire with my fingers. I cannot shape familiars from fog or examine entrails to see if a man will die. I cannot resurrect your son.

Rated PG.

Escape Pod Flash Fiction Contest, Honorable Mention: Hello, I Love You


By Katherine Sparrow.
Read by Rachel Swirsky.
All stories by Katherine Sparrow
All stories read by Rachel Swirsky

“Junk DNA? I’ll junk your DNA!” Sofia glared at Zorg.

“Apologies. It is only, don’t you find it interesting? Most of it is unused–“

“Junk? You supercilious aliens come to Earth to rein snottiness on us lowly humans? How sublime. I suppose your DNA is full of Porsches?”

Rated PG.

Escape Pod Flash Fiction Contest, Honorable Mention: The Way Before


By Anna Schwind
Read by Ann Leckie

When Chasca turned eleven, her father took her to a ship farm, to choose her vessel.  She stood on the observation deck, evaluating the herd.  Chasca selected the farthest ship.  It faced away from the others and bumped the edges of the corral.  She understood. 

Rated  G.

Escape Pod Flash Fiction Contest, Honorable Mention: From Liquid to Glass


By J. R. Blackwell.
Read by Rachel Swirsky (of PodCastle).

He smelled like new cars and cologne, he moved with a measured rhythm. His mouth tasted like mint toothpaste. She looked over his shoulder through the white light of the window. She was sweating into her sheets, her breath silent, and her lips thin and tight.

Rated R. Contains sex and melancholia.

Escape Pod Flash Fiction Contest, Third Place: Karakuri


By Gideon Fostick.
Read by Dave Leckie.

Bill had no heart for this Karakuri, left behind in the empty house when his love had gone. Small and exquisite, propped at an angle on the tatami floor mat, it was the toughest puzzle he’d known. 

Rated PG. Contains puzzles.

Escape Pod Flash Fiction Contest Winner: Mission to Dover


by Gideon Fostick.
Read by Lyle Merithew. 

Escape Pod sends its congratulations to Gideon Fostick for winning first place in the Escape Pod flash fiction contest for stories under 300 words.

Professor Seiferd materialized in full command of his faculties. He oriented immediately on the white cliffs of Dover, towering over the English Channel. He felt the weight of his mission: he must answer the question that was vital to the Fatherland.

Rated G. Contains Nazis.