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Escape Pod 1069: I Was An Alien Love Machine

Escape Pod 1069: I Was An Alien Love Machine is an Escape Pod original.

Discussions of sex and cruising the bar scene, but nothing graphic.

Podcast: Play in new window | Download (Duration: 34:47 — 48.2MB)

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Show Notes

This episode is sponsored by Sleepphones! Use code ESCAPEPOD and get 10% off your purchase.

I Was An Alien Love Machine

by D. H. Willison

Not an actual machine, of course. Those things are fun at first, but get repetitive after a while. At least, from how I’ve heard friends tell it. It’s a local expression I’d picked up on my LARP adventure. When I signed up to become a swapper, I didn’t specifically plan on romance. I was just sick of modern technology and wanted to live somewhere life was simple for a while. Earth wasn’t my first choice, but the surgery necessary to fit in on Yegnad II looked… painful.

I’ll spare you my early misadventures; mixing up soy sauce and coffee at a diner, discovering that ‘getting laid’ didn’t pertain to eggs in quite the way I’d surmised, things like that. I’d had my ups and downs that first month, experienced local culture, participated in numerous customs, and even managed not to get arrested for any misunderstandings which were completely understandable and/or not my fault. I was presently engaged in a practice known as ‘regretting one’s life choices at a drinking establishment.’

(Continue Reading…)

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Escape Pod 1068: A Struggle Between Rivals Ends Surprisingly (Flashback Friday)

“A Struggle Between Rivals Ends Surprisingly” was originally published in The Magazine of Fantasy and Science Fiction (August 2014), and in Escape Pod 457

Podcast: Play in new window | Download (Duration: 27:38 — 38.4MB)

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Show Notes

This episode is sponsored by Sleepphones! Use code ESCAPEPOD and get 10% off your purchase.

A Struggle Between Rivals Ends Surprisingly

by Oliver Buckram

While the harbormaster fidgeted at his desk, Treya checked her pipes. They were, of course, in perfect condition: the leather supple and the drones polished. She’d brought her double-chantered smallpipes today, in case the negotiations grew complex.

The harbormaster snapped shut his pocket watch. “That damned beetle is already ten minutes late.”

Treya walked to the window. On the street below, a fishmonger pushed his wheelbarrow through a group of green-skinned Cantharan peddlers while a Glanite hoverjar floated by. But there was no sign of the beetle. If he didn’t show up, Treya wouldn’t get paid.

She scrutinized the hoverjar as it wafted through an intersection. Inside its murky interior, there must be a Glanite. The squid-like creatures seldom visited Port Raskol. What was it doing here? Might it want to hire a translator?

At last Treya spotted the beetle’s top hat bobbing above the heads of other pedestrians. His fringed leather vest marked him as a servant of the beetle Baroness.

After a few moments, the beetle was ushered into the office. Treya and the harbormaster bowed and the beetle spread his stubby hindwings in greeting. After Treya piped a welcome, he responded with a cacophony of wails, whines, and groans from his spiracles.

She translated in a low voice. “He’s doing the Lamentation on Congestion…apologies for being late…greetings from the Baroness. He’s going off on a tangent. Could be an extended monologue. No…He’s back on track. We’re definitely doing the first scene of A Routine Mercantile Transaction. It’s a one-act, so this shouldn’t take long.”

When the beetle finished his lines, Treya glanced at the harbormaster.

“Ask him why the Baroness is behind on her docking fees,” he said. The Baroness owned a fleet of fishing vessels currently in the harbor.

Treya shook her head. “That will serve no purpose. At best, he’ll give us a discourse on unavoidable delays, and at worst, he’ll push us into a convoluted subplot. No, at this point in A Routine Mercantile Transaction, you need to state your demands.”

“I want those fees paid. Right now.”

(Continue Reading…)

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Escape Pod 1067: Negative Scholarship on the Fifth State of Being (Part 2 of 2)

Negative Scholarship on the Fifth State of Being originally appeared in Clarkesworld 218 (November 2024). 

Podcast: Play in new window | Download (Duration: 42:10 — 58.4MB)

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Negative Scholarship on the Fifth State of Being (Part 2)

By A. W. Prihandita

(…Continued from Part 1)

Semau made her way to the pier feeling bloated and hollow all at once.

She carried a duffel bag of medical instruments she’d stolen from the office: a stethoscope to record breaths and heartbeats, a set of syringes to take various kinds of fluid samples. These were instruments she normally used to collect data for the INT-Health model to analyze. That night, she’d put them offline, hoping against hope that a few hours of disconnection wouldn’t be enough to alarm the Medical Board.

And just in case, she’d reviewed the protocol for malpractice suspicion. The Board would have to send an overseer to lead her investigation. The nearest headquarter of the Medical Board was a system over, which meant the overseer would take a week to arrive, if Semau was ever suspected of anything. Which hopefully she never would be. (Continue Reading…)

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Escape Pod 1066: Negative Scholarship on the Fifth State of Being (Part 1 of 2)

Negative Scholarship on the Fifth State of Being originally appeared in Clarkesworld 218 (November 2024). 

Podcast: Play in new window | Download (Duration: 35:17 — 48.9MB)

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Negative Scholarship on the Fifth State of Being (Part 1 of 2)

By A. W. Prihandita

“Doc, there’s a . . . hole growing in me,” the alien said through the spherical interpreting machine hovering over them.

Semau barely registered the word “hole,” so taken was she by the sight of the alien. If she were just a tad less caring about propriety, she would’ve let her eyes blow wide open. The alien looked impossibly transparent yet not transparent at the same time, like a mound of water. Their shape was almost humanoid: a roundish head sitting atop a misshapen lump of torso. They were visible in the way ocean waves were visible, only through folds that magnified its translucence to almost-opaqueness.

Semau glanced again at the patient form. Name: Txyzna (he/him). Species: Plyzmorynox-matori. Semau had never heard of the plyzmorynox before, and a quick lookup in the Brazs’s Database of Interstellar Species told her this wasn’t her fault. The plyzmorynox had an occurrence rate of 0.000013% of interspecies encounters, which made her impulsively count the decimal places—she’d never seen anything that small. She wanted to look up the Matori system as well—what kind of place was home to this super rare species?—but this wasn’t the time to satisfy idle curiosity. (Continue Reading…)

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Escape Pod 1065: Sister Cities

Escape Pod 1065: Sister Cities is an Escape Pod original.

Podcast: Play in new window | Download (Duration: 43:03 — 59.6MB)

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Show Notes

This episode is sponsored by Sleepphones! Use code ESCAPEPOD and get 10% off your purchase.

Sister Cities

by Marie Vibbert

The Pour House Tavern is built on a stairway, with low ceilings that step down along with the bar, so it’s hard to see who’s at the other end, and the smoke gathers on the high side, making it even harder, and that’s why I didn’t notice Rusty until Crash yanked me down to her mouth-level to shout, “My drone came back from West Leg.” She raises her brows, widens her eyes, like the only reason I’m not squealing in excitement is that I don’t get what she means.

It means that for once, the Halo didn’t shoot something down, nothing more, nothing less, but now I’ve seen Rusty there, and he’s looking over at us like he’s wondering what we’re up to. Rusty’s a rival climber with a rich daddy who underbids contracts because he doesn’t need the money. I haul Crash off her bar stool—she weighs less than a kitten—and shoulder my way out to the steeply-slanting alley. In one direction, the center of town gleams like a golden bowl. In the other, I smell piss. I turn to Crash with my most bored expression. “You think you can get to The Halo?”

“I know it! Look, I have footage, and a flight plan—”

“Ignore it,” I say. “Nothing but misery and death for the folks who try to go up.”

(Continue Reading…)

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Escape Pod 1064: The Rewilding of Lot 4987

Escape Pod 1064: The Rewilding of Lot 4987 is an Escape Pod original.

Includes several grade-A swears.

Podcast: Play in new window | Download (Duration: 49:09 — 68.0MB)

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The Rewilding of Lot 4987

By Johnny Caputo

From across the darkened rooftop of the long-abandoned engine plant, Geli heard the unmistakable whirring of drone blades.

Shit, she thought. Not here, too.

She looked up from her work weeding the tomato and lettuce beds. Sure enough, one of interFace Robotics’ surveillance drones was hovering there, its palm-sized screen held aloft by copter blades. The screen glowed with interFace’s standard golden facial avatar: a cartoonish robot, smiling mindlessly as it flew towards her. Its camera captured footage of the vegetable beds she maintained on this derelict property, a relic of the fossil fuel economy that interFace had never cared to surveil.

Until now, apparently. (Continue Reading…)

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Escape Pod 1063: Modern Birdwatching

Escape Pod 1063: Modern Birdwatching is an Escape Pod original.

Podcast: Play in new window | Download (Duration: 23:53 — 33.3MB)

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Show Notes

This episode is sponsored by Sleepphones! Use code ESCAPEPOD and get 10% off your purchase.

Modern Birdwatching

by Jeff Soesbe

I used to like birdwatching, especially hummingbirds, until the feeder on my apartment balcony started getting one-star reviews on CHURP.

CHURP
By Birds. For Birds.
/c/feeders/USA/CA_NORTH/BAYAREA/SANBRUNO
Location: 750 Glenview Drive, #206. Balcony.
Feeder Count: One.
Size: Small.
Refill Frequency: Irregular.
Average Rating: 1.5

Comments
Hummy292: Booooring. Weak syrup. Total fly-by.
UWishUCouldFlyLikeMe: If I wanted bland fluoridated water reeking of a plastic tub, I’d go back to the city park.
BeTheBlur: Can a feeder be worse than awful? YESITCAN!!!

“Those birds are so wrong!” I declared one Friday night, after two bottles of Black Butte Porter. “My feeder has been unjustly attacked. Hummingbirds don’t come by anymore. My BirdTrack ranking is plummeting.”

“Birds have smarts, and a website,” Mister Friskers, my Seal Point Siamese, said, looking out the window from his cat tree. “They’re entitled to their opinions.”

“I liked birdwatching better before birds had opinions. Or smarts. And how did *those* birds get smart anyway?”

“Genetic engineering of pets for brains and voice. Just like me, buddy.”

(Continue Reading…)

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Escape Pod 1062: Extrasolar Ghost Tours: Safety Questionable, Lizards Guaranteed

Escape Pod 1062: Extrasolar Ghost Tours: Safety Questionable, Lizards Guaranteed is an Escape Pod original.

Podcast: Play in new window | Download (Duration: 45:07 — 62.4MB)

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Extrasolar Ghost Tours: Safety Questionable, Lizards Guaranteed

By Hans Ege Wenger

I am a hundred and seventy-nine years old when I commit my first betrayal. It is a small one, relevant only to the blue-flecked lizards on Alda Safiya’s southernmost desert landmass. Our thousand-solar-year plan will cool the planet by forty-two degrees Celsius, just below what the lizards can tolerate. They will die—not for about three hundred years, but die nonetheless.

It’s not really an oversight on my makers’ part. All terraforming projects involve the “unavoidable loss of indigenous biodiversity” according to the briefing document in my memory. I’ve already spirited three hundred breeding pairs into cold storage in my periphery, to be rehomed in zoos once the temperature stabilizes.

But I enjoy the lizards, as they are, in situ. They tickle my remote seismic sensors with their industrious warren-digging and synchronized, foot-pounding mating dances. And I, locked in a geostationary orbit over Alda Safiya, will never visit the zoo. (Continue Reading…)

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Escape Pod 1061: Pigeons and Robots and Pensive Worlds

Escape Pod 1061: Pigeons and Robots and Pensive Worlds is an Escape Pod original.

Podcast: Play in new window | Download (Duration: 32:13 — 44.2MB)

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Show Notes

This episode is sponsored by Sleepphones! Use code ESCAPEPOD and get 10% off your purchase.

Pigeons and Robots and Pensive Worlds

by Trae Hawkins

We found the pigeon and its robot companion on Planet 44.

Picture-perfect, this planet, large enough for our directors to build schools of nepotistic grandeur, their tiny, grubby-fingered silver spooners staking claim to the land.

We shuddered as our ship settled onto a grassy hill, that wary, dormant beast called hope stirring awake. Planet 44 was, perhaps, the paradise that came to us in our dreams.

It looked the part, what with the plush, mossy ground, the flora sprouting as if placed meticulously by some god building its dream terrarium. The ground even rumbled for a moment, as if in welcome.

But we were getting ahead of ourselves—there was protocol to be followed, and our directors were more than likely to deny this land to us, even if it was the one.

“How’s the pressure?”

“Atmospheric or societal?”

“This is the ninth time you’ve made that joke.”

“You’re no fun. Pressure’s fine, I guess. Readers are saying we’ve got a molten core, stable temperatures. Two equidistant stars that don’t seem to be in any rush to die. Probes are currently gathering more data.”

“There are trees! There, in the distance!”

“Planet S87 had trees.”

We all fell silent. We did not like to talk about Planet S87.

“Keep your helmets on, for now. Just in case.”

(Continue Reading…)

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Escape Pod 1060: Soft Currency (Flashback Friday)

Soft Currency first appeared as an Escape Pod original in Episode 473 on December 24, 2014.

Podcast: Play in new window | Download (Duration: 39:45 — 55.1MB)

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Soft Currency

By Seth Gordon

When Cassie Levine was nine years old, her family lived in the center of Boston, Lyndon B. Johnson was President, and Cassie learned that her mother was a criminal.

The two of them sat in a parked car on Blue Hill Avenue, outside Ethel Glick’s grocery store. While Cassie ate an ice-cream sandwich, her mother smoked a cigarette. The sandwich, the cigarettes, and three bags of groceries had come from Mrs. Glick’s store. When the ice cream sandwich was half gone, Cassie asked, “Why did you change Dad’s money at Mrs. Glick’s? Why not go to the bank?”

Cassie’s mother had passed Mrs. Glick a twenty-dollar bill; the older woman had tucked the bill under the counter and handed back a stack of coupons; then, her mother had used some of those coupons to pay Mrs. Glick. Each twenty-coupon note showed a picture of Margaret Mitchell, holding a copy of Gone With the Wind. Cassie’s little brother called coupons “cootie money,” because only women and girls could use them. (Continue Reading…)