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EP162: God Juice

By M.K. Hobson.
Read by Christiana Ellis (of Christiana’s Shallow Thoughts).

First appeared in Polyphony 6, ed. Deborah Layne and Jay Lake.

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“I wish to give you the opportunity to purchase a very valuable artifact from the great age of Ja’ardi civilization,” he said. “We stole it from a rival tribe, who revered it as possessing divine powers. I am prepared to offer it to you at a very reasonable price.”

I rolled my eyes. If I had a nickel for every time someone tried to sell me an artifact with divine powers … Zhee must have seen the eyeroll, for he hastened to add:

“It is reputed to bestow upon its owner the ability to create flowing rivers of God Juice.”

I tilted my head slightly to see if some sense might roll downhill from his words. “Correct me if I’m wrong,” I said, sucking on the wedge of flesh-colored fruit, “But isn’t God Juice the stuff that caused your civilization to collapse?”

Zhee shifted, scratching the back of his head. “Well … yes.”

Rated R. Contains strong language and sexual tomfoolery.

Comments (23)

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  1. Storman_Norman says:

    What does one have to do for a great story? One must only wait for FRIDAY. Yay, another reason why Friday is my fav. day of the week.
    This story was a lot of fun. Star Gate meets Indy Jones kinda fun. Keep em’ comin’, Steve.

  2. Azure says:

    I LOVED this story. It helped me get in touch with the aging, vain, jaded, but still hopeful, 6’6″ amazon within me.

  3. Sushma says:

    I loved this story. Why aren’t they hiring her to write the next Indiana Jones movie? when does she get her own TV show? loved the character of Trumbull (sp?) this was soooo much fun. Very satisfying in that good old fashioned way.

  4. Richard says:

    I really enjoyed the lady that read this. She really enticed me and drew me into the story. I was a little lost on the ending though. I think that I’ll have to go back and listen again. But despite that and the 1 hour length, I did enjoy the story. Thanks!

  5. Scott says:

    Richard, you should listen to Space Casey then. Christiana is a hoot and this story was perfect for her. A great ride EP, thanks!

  6. phoomp says:

    I really enjoyed the story, but also the reading! It felt like this story was written to be read by Christiana Ellis.

  7. Storman_Norman says:

    Christiana Elis is a staple among the Podcasting elite. JC Hutch, Sigler, Seth Harwood, etc. She’s been around a lot, was featured on a Tee Morris podiobook too. I also would recommend Space Casey to anyone who likes spoofy goofy fun. Kudos to Steve for always picking the right reader for every story. He must put a lot of thought into what voice would fit each story best.

  8. - says:

    I liked this story, but a few things kept throwing me off:

    A thousand years since the cataclysm of Earth, during which the name “earth” has fallen out of use and “English” has become “basic,” yet this 140 year old woman not only knows what Lawrence of Arabia looks like (I’m 19 and I have no idea) but also knows what a Belgian accent sounds like.

  9. Daniel Cotton says:
    • you don’t know what Lawrence of Arabia looks like!? I’m sure the story of Lawrence will endure long after the Earth is destroyed!
  10. Daniel Cotton says:

    That was meant to be a hyphen like the handle used, not a dot point.

  11. araƱa says:

    …Thank you, Steve. This was a fantastic birthday present.

    Generally, I don’t like Christiana Ellis’s voice (don’t know why.) when she’s reading fiction, but she was perfect for it!!!

    Imagine the grin on my face when, before going to bed on my birthday, I downloaded and listened to this week’s EP. I was looking forward to it like he good little fangirl I am, and I just want to say…

    Thank you, Steve, Ms. Ellis, and M.K. Hobson.

    You rocked my birthday socks off.

  12. V says:

    I dunno. That didn’t sound Belgian to me. In fact it shaded onto the subcontinent at points . . .

    Colonialism lite in some ways frankly. Awkward at points.

    But not boring. And rather vivid.

  13. Changwa Steve says:

    Loved it for the witty, tightly constructed prose, excellent voice acting by Christina, the presence of a strong female character who seemed like a believable person rather than an irritating stereotype, and Hobson’s skill in addressing colonialism without sounding preachy or smug. Brilliant, fun stuff. More please : )

  14. Sandi says:

    I loved this story. The author got the whole middle-age self-image thing down pat and the narration was spot-on.

  15. Evo Shandor says:

    Perhaps I will go back and give this a listen. I waited through (what seemed like) 10 minutes of a woman bemoaning about “muscle”, hoping for something like a plot or story — hints about two suns are not plot — before turning this one off. It’s the first EP I have not listened to since “The Sweet, Sad Love Song of Fred and Wilma”

  16. scatterbrain says:

    Intergalactic poker playing amazons?

    Escape pod just keeps gettin’ better and better!

  17. Evo Shandor says:

    OK – Went back and listened to it. Should have skipped it. I am tired of the whole plucky, never-wrong female protaganist and the cowardly, irredeemable male villian. Add in masturbatory prose more interested in sounding like Joss Whedon and showing how clever they are than actually telling a story.

    Now, I liked the plot, but a annoying prose style — in first person, make it clear to whom the narrator is talking please — and a character who is more caricature — I was rooting for Anders to melt her brain at the 42 minute mark — left this story a thumbs down for me.

  18. Ogion The Silent says:

    I liked most things about this story, but the sexual politics did seem a little cliched. The protagonist was interesting but did the male characters have to be quite so one-dimensional?

  19. Poultrymancer says:

    Another story about magic sexy sweat? I had no idea this was such a big fetish.

  20. […] modified humans feature in “God Juice” by M. K. Hobson, a long story set in a future habitation of humanity. The people are […]

  21. Ryan B says:

    This story has it all: vivid, compelling world, interesting characters, mortal peril, and a plot to save the world. I loved every minute.

    I find it interesting that the author naturally assumes that, were humans to acquire god-like powers, we would eventually destroy the world. I think the characterization is wholly accurate, which would depress me if I weren’t a Christian.

  22. Mike G says:

    I couldn’t get through this either, after ten minutes of being bored by this lady, I said, later baby, I’d like to stay and listen to your troubles but there’s stories with real, dynamic plots at other podcasts waiting!

  23. Nerraux says:

    I’m not sure that the poker subplot was necessary for me, but I loved the rest of it. Great story!