Archive for Podcasts

EP037: Craphound


By Cory Doctorow.
Read by Jesse Thorn (of The Sound of Young America).

Craphound beat me out the door, as usual. His exoskeleton is programmable, so he
can record little scripts for it like: move left arm to door handle, pop it,
swing legs out to running-board, jump to ground, close door, move forward.
Meanwhile, I’m still making sure I’ve switched off the headlights and that I’ve
got my wallet.

Rated PG. Contains some profanity. That’s it, really.

Referenced sites:
Mostly News
Escape Pod Submission Guidelines

EP036: Connie, Maybe


By Paul E. Martens.
Read by Wichita Rutherford (of 5 Minutes With Wichita).

Conrad McManus claimed he was kidnaped by aliens and replaced by an
exact duplicate of himself.

But, Connie, we said, that doesn’t make sense. If you were a duplicate
you wouldn’t say a thing like that.

Connie shook his head. “The aliens destroyed my body while they were
doing their tests and experiments and what not and they had to make a new
one so no one would know about them.”

So they destroyed everything, we asked, except your brain?

“No,” he said. “They destroyed my brain, too.”

Rated G. Contains alien abduction, brainwashing, and conspiracy. Unless it doesn’t.

Referenced sites:
Snakes on a Plane
Something From the Nightside by Simon Green

EP035: Hero


By Scott Sigler.
Read by Stephen Eley.

There is no defense against a perfect weapon.

The perfect weapon is cunning, calculating and ruthless.

I am all of these things.

There is no defense against me.

The words would die with him, for he was the last. Five centuries of
tradition would fade from existence, probably as soon as he killed
Timmerman. But that didn’t matter, not as long as Timmerman died this day.
Poetic justice is all the more eloquent with your enemy’s brains cooked a
crispy-brown.

Rated R. Contains profanity, violence, and poor life priorities.

Referenced sites:
SciFiction
PodcasterCon
Escape Pod CD Offer

EP034: Free Will, Baby


By Janni Lee Simner.
Read by Swoopy (of Skepticality).

“Hello, this is Kara Donnelly, with Lucifer Enterprises. Whom am I–“

“Yeah,” the man said, as if he’d been expecting her. “My wife just left me. When she takes me to court next month, I want everything she’s got.”

“Well, I’m certain we can arrange that.” Kara smiled. She’d heard somewhere that if you smiled, your voice sounded more pleasant over the phone. “If I could just get some information, I’ll have one of our representatives call back to arrange a
meeting.”

Rated PG. Contains supernatural violence, sexual harassment, and telemarketers from Hell. (Not a redundancy.)

Referenced sites:
PodcasterCon
Escape Pod CD Offer

EP Flash: Night Off


By Jason Erik Lundberg.
Read by Stephen Eley.

The fat man coughed again and rolled over onto his side. He wheezed and his
lungs rattled. A few thousand years of being overweight had caused
innumerable cardiac and respiratory problems, but the job demanded it.

“Who can you think of to cover you?”

The fat man pondered for a moment, then said, “Lo ho ho?”

His wife frowned. “You know Loki would just cause a mess, and probably light
some children on fire. Who else?”

Rated R. Contains profanity and some disturbing imagery.

(Note: Mr. Lundberg has directed that his payment for this story be directed toward Heifer International, providing impoverished people with animals and other resources to become economically self-sustaining.)

EP033: Santa In My Pocket


By Mur Lafferty.
Read by Anna Eley.

When I was a kid, I believed it all, like that old wive’s tale that
animals would be granted the gift of speech for one hour on Christmas
Eve. I tested that out by keeping my cat locked up in my room with me
all night. She never spoke, but she did piss in the corner, since she
couldn’t get to her litter box. So she still told me a magical
Christmas message, loud and clear.

Rated R. Contains profanity, sexual situations, and criminal intent. Merry Christmas!

Agnostica
Geek Fu Action Grip
I Should Be Writing
Geek Acres

EP032: Alien Animal Encounters


By John Scalzi.
Read by Stephen Eley, Anna Eley, Scott Janssens, Deborah Green, Jonathon Sullivan and Marilyn Fuller.

Ted McPeak, Community College Student, Jersey City:

Some friends and me heard that if you smoked the skin of an aret, you could get monumentally wasted. So we bought one at a pet store and waited a couple of weeks until it shed its skin. Then we crumbled up the dry skin, put it in with some pot, and lit up. We all got these insane mouth blisters that didn’t go away for weeks. We all had to eat soup for a month. Though maybe it wasn’t the skin; the pot could have been bad or something.

Rated R. Contains profanity, explicit imagery, and hot alien action.

Referenced sites:
Whatever
Reading is Fundamental
Lies and Little Deaths
Child’s Play
Today in Alternate History

EP031: Robots and Falling Hearts


By Tim Pratt and Greg van Eekhout.
Read by Alex Wilson (of Telltale Weekly).
All stories by Tim Pratt or Greg van Eekhout.
All stories read by Alex Wilson.

I paused to tie a loose shoelace and a squat robot, like a dirty white trashcan on tank-treads, trundled out of an alley toward me. A red light on top of its domelike top blinked erratically. It said, in a high-pitched voice, “Klaatu barada nikto.” A small panel slid open in its front, and a pole with a cup on the end telescoped out. There were a few coins in the cup, mostly pennies and nickels, and the robot jingled the cup significantly.

“Take me to your leader,” I said, wishing it could be that simple, knowing that these things are never that simple. The robot beeped at me and jingled its cup harder, the coins rattling.

“It won’t go away unless you give it some change,” said a woman standing on the corner. “It followed me all the way to work one day, and hung around outside the door like a dog for hours.”

Rated PG. Contains slight profanity, long flirtations, and excessive Zen. Watch for falling metaphors.

Referenced sites:
Child’s Play
Hooting Yard

EP030: Aliens Love Oranges


By Sue Burke.
Read by Mur Lafferty (of Geek Fu Action Grip).

“They do talk wrong,” she whispered. “They say ‘aboot’ instead of ‘about’ and ‘proh-gress’ instead of ‘prah-gress.’ It’s like they can’t almost speak English right.”

“That’s how you tell,” Lois said. “Aliens can’t figure out how to say the letter O. Have y’all ever heard a body talk like that?”

Rated G. Contains mild provinicialism, non-explicit discussion of sexual preferene, and screwdrivers. (The kind with vodka.)

Referenced sites:
Spaceship Radio Script Factory
Rev Up Review
2B Pictures Filmmaking Podcast