Archive for Podcasts

EP Flash: Night Off


By Jason Erik Lundberg.
Read by Stephen Eley.

The fat man coughed again and rolled over onto his side. He wheezed and his
lungs rattled. A few thousand years of being overweight had caused
innumerable cardiac and respiratory problems, but the job demanded it.

“Who can you think of to cover you?”

The fat man pondered for a moment, then said, “Lo ho ho?”

His wife frowned. “You know Loki would just cause a mess, and probably light
some children on fire. Who else?”

Rated R. Contains profanity and some disturbing imagery.

(Note: Mr. Lundberg has directed that his payment for this story be directed toward Heifer International, providing impoverished people with animals and other resources to become economically self-sustaining.)

EP033: Santa In My Pocket


By Mur Lafferty.
Read by Anna Eley.

When I was a kid, I believed it all, like that old wive’s tale that
animals would be granted the gift of speech for one hour on Christmas
Eve. I tested that out by keeping my cat locked up in my room with me
all night. She never spoke, but she did piss in the corner, since she
couldn’t get to her litter box. So she still told me a magical
Christmas message, loud and clear.

Rated R. Contains profanity, sexual situations, and criminal intent. Merry Christmas!

Agnostica
Geek Fu Action Grip
I Should Be Writing
Geek Acres

EP032: Alien Animal Encounters


By John Scalzi.
Read by Stephen Eley, Anna Eley, Scott Janssens, Deborah Green, Jonathon Sullivan and Marilyn Fuller.

Ted McPeak, Community College Student, Jersey City:

Some friends and me heard that if you smoked the skin of an aret, you could get monumentally wasted. So we bought one at a pet store and waited a couple of weeks until it shed its skin. Then we crumbled up the dry skin, put it in with some pot, and lit up. We all got these insane mouth blisters that didn’t go away for weeks. We all had to eat soup for a month. Though maybe it wasn’t the skin; the pot could have been bad or something.

Rated R. Contains profanity, explicit imagery, and hot alien action.

Referenced sites:
Whatever
Reading is Fundamental
Lies and Little Deaths
Child’s Play
Today in Alternate History

EP031: Robots and Falling Hearts


By Tim Pratt and Greg van Eekhout.
Read by Alex Wilson (of Telltale Weekly).
All stories by Tim Pratt or Greg van Eekhout.
All stories read by Alex Wilson.

I paused to tie a loose shoelace and a squat robot, like a dirty white trashcan on tank-treads, trundled out of an alley toward me. A red light on top of its domelike top blinked erratically. It said, in a high-pitched voice, “Klaatu barada nikto.” A small panel slid open in its front, and a pole with a cup on the end telescoped out. There were a few coins in the cup, mostly pennies and nickels, and the robot jingled the cup significantly.

“Take me to your leader,” I said, wishing it could be that simple, knowing that these things are never that simple. The robot beeped at me and jingled its cup harder, the coins rattling.

“It won’t go away unless you give it some change,” said a woman standing on the corner. “It followed me all the way to work one day, and hung around outside the door like a dog for hours.”

Rated PG. Contains slight profanity, long flirtations, and excessive Zen. Watch for falling metaphors.

Referenced sites:
Child’s Play
Hooting Yard

EP030: Aliens Love Oranges


By Sue Burke.
Read by Mur Lafferty (of Geek Fu Action Grip).

“They do talk wrong,” she whispered. “They say ‘aboot’ instead of ‘about’ and ‘proh-gress’ instead of ‘prah-gress.’ It’s like they can’t almost speak English right.”

“That’s how you tell,” Lois said. “Aliens can’t figure out how to say the letter O. Have y’all ever heard a body talk like that?”

Rated G. Contains mild provinicialism, non-explicit discussion of sexual preferene, and screwdrivers. (The kind with vodka.)

Referenced sites:
Spaceship Radio Script Factory
Rev Up Review
2B Pictures Filmmaking Podcast

EP029: Crystal Balls


By Susie Hawes.
Read by Evo Terra (of The Dragon Page).

Yeah, that’s it. Oh, that’s nice. You’ve got strong hands, Mister. Are you psychic? Maybe just a little? No? Well, I can fix that.

Naw, I can’t tell you where to find a bottle of Mad Dog, but I can get you the money to buy one.

Rated PG. Contains violence, immoral psychic paraphernalia, and grown women scrying.

Referenced sites:
Rent
The Sci Phi Show
Dead White Guys

EP028: Your Corporate Network and the Forces of Darkness


By Lucy A. Snyder.
Read by Rob Walch (of Podcast 411) with Mur Lafferty (of Geek Fu Action Grip).

Axedame agrees that the technology provides staffing solutions that have yet to reach public acceptance or full legality. “Undead workers are kind of a gray area as far as the feds are concerned. And you bet your boots the unions are fighting it. But since you don’t have to pay the dead minimum wage, the potential impact this could have on America’s bottom line is off the charts! We’re pretty sure we can get the government on board as long as the GOP stays in charge.”

Rated R. Contains profanity, violence, dark magic, and other typical sysadmin behavior.

Referenced sites:
Plot Patents
Slashdot Commentary
Look What I Found In My Brain!
SFFAudio

EP Poem: Making Monsters


A Poem by Tim Pratt.
Read by Stephen Eley.
All stories by Tim Pratt.
All stories read by Stephen Eley.

He is the reason clowns so often seem
sinister, the reason mannequins and dolls
can be so unsettling, the reason a child’s
tricycle
sitting unattended in a front yard can be an image
suffused with dread. If he goes on
this way, who knows what other objects
will attain an aura of menace?

Rated PG. May provoke disturbing thoughts.

This poem originally ran in Strange Horizons in July of 2004.

EP027: Union Dues – Iron Bars and the Glass Jaw


By Jeffrey R. DeRego.
Read by Jonathon Sullivan.
All stories by Jeffrey R. DeRego

“You super folks must think we’re pretty damn foolish, especially us in the law enforcement community.”

Look at him leaning back with his feet up on the desk. Did he just walk out of Cool Hand Luke? Sheesh, you’d think a sheriff would want to be more dignified. “No sir. You and your brethren are integral to the fabric of society. We of The Union are grateful for your hard work and courage.” I can rattle that sort of crap off all day long.

Rated PG. Contains graphic scenes of class conflict and superhuman self-doubt.

Referenced sites:
HorrorView
Beyond the Storm: Shadows of the Big Easy
SFFAudio