By Desmond Warzel
Read by: Joshua McNichols
Originally published in SFReader
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All stories by Desmond Warzel
All stories read by Joshua McNichols
Rated PG: This story contains a real obnoxious dude.
- Feedback for Episode 276
- Next week… The hopes and dreams of a child, and her pet.
On a Clear Day You can See All the Way to Conspiracy
by Desmond Warzel
You’re listening to the Mike Colavito Show on Cleveland’s home for straight talk, WCUY 1200. The opinions expressed on this program do not reflect those of WCUY, its management, or its sponsors.
Fair warning; I’m in a mood today, folks.
We’ve got a mayor whose only talent seems to be showing up at luncheons and waving at the cameras.
Eighty bucks I had to pay yesterday for not wearing my seatbelt. Show me the seatbelts on a school bus.
I saw a Cleveland athlete on national TV last night wearing a Yankees cap.
And every day I get at least a dozen calls from schmucks who think that people like me are the problem in this city.
Tell me America’s not falling apart.
And some of you people–including our programming director, by the way–seem to think I’m running my mouth too much and not taking enough phone calls. I’ve only been number one in radio in this city for ten straight years; what would I know?
You want calls? You got ‘em. Steven in Mayfield Heights, you’re on the air.
“Hey, what’s up, Mike?”
The rent. Art in Seven Hills, you’re on WCUY.
“How you doing, Mike. Just wondering if you caught that ball game last night?”
No. Andrea in Rocky River, go ahead.
“Hi, Mike, first-time caller.”
Well, call back tomorrow and you’ll be a second-time caller. Carol in Cleveland, what’s on your mind?
“Mike, what do you think of waterboarding?”
My wife and I waterboard all the time, and it’s improved our sex life dramatically. Chuck in Parma, you’re on the air.
“Hey, Mike, I heard your show yesterday, and I was just wondering, if you know so much about football, why you don’t take over as head coach of the Browns?”
I wouldn’t want to take the pay cut. Mina in Lakewood, you’re on the air.
“Does your wife think that waterboarding crack was funny?”
Play your cards right some night and you could find out for yourself, Mina. Tommy in Beachwood, you’re on WCUY.
“Hi, Mike, just wondering who you think the Indians should try and trade for next year.”
Your mother. Jane in Euclid, go ahead.