By Charles Stross
Recorded at Balticon 43, May 23, 2009
Read by:Joe –Jared Axelrod (of The Voice of Free Planet X), Maddie – J.R. Blackwell (of Voices of Tomorrow), The Farm – Evo Terra and Sheila Dee (of Evo at 11, et al.), Maddie – J.R. Blackwell (of Voices of Tomorrow), Brenda the Barkeep – Dee Reed (of Nobilis Erotica), Wendy the Rat – Laura Burns, Art the Boy Toy – John Cmar, Bob the Dog – Earl Newton (of Stranger Things), Narrator – Stephen Eley.
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All stories by Charles Stross
All stories read by John Cmar, JR Blackwell, Evo Terra, Sheila DeeJared Axelrod, Dee Reed, Laura Burns, Earl Newton, Stephen Eley
“Buggerit, I don’t have time for this,” Joe muttered. The stable waiting for the small herd of cloned spidercows cluttering up the north paddock was still knee-deep in manure, and the tractor seat wasn’t getting any warmer while he shivered out here waiting for Maddie to come and sort this thing out. It wasn’t a big herd, but it was as big as his land and his labour could manage – the big biofabricator in the shed could assemble mammalian livestock faster than he could feed them up and sell them with an honest HAND-RAISED NOT VAT-GROWN label.
“What do you want with us?” he yelled up at the gently buzzing farm.
“Brains, fresh brains for baby Jesus,” crooned the farm in a warm contralto, startling Joe half out of his skin. “Buy my brains!” Half a dozen disturbing cauliflower shapes poked suggestively out of the farms’ back then retracted again, coyly.
“Don’t want no brains around here,” Joe said stubbornly, his fingers whitening on the stock of the shotgun. “Don’t want your kind round here, neither. Go away.”
Rated PG for strong language, chemical violence, and drug-abusing dogs.