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EP036: Connie, Maybe

By Paul E. Martens.
Read by Wichita Rutherford (of 5 Minutes With Wichita).

Conrad McManus claimed he was kidnaped by aliens and replaced by an
exact duplicate of himself.

But, Connie, we said, that doesn’t make sense. If you were a duplicate
you wouldn’t say a thing like that.

Connie shook his head. “The aliens destroyed my body while they were
doing their tests and experiments and what not and they had to make a new
one so no one would know about them.”

So they destroyed everything, we asked, except your brain?

“No,” he said. “They destroyed my brain, too.”

Rated G. Contains alien abduction, brainwashing, and conspiracy. Unless it doesn’t.

Referenced sites:
Snakes on a Plane
Something From the Nightside by Simon Green

Comments (23)

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  1. J. R. DeRego says:

    Holy Mackeral! I had to restart this one almost immediately as the accent was so perfect I couldn’t believe I was listening to it (and it was funny!).

    What a great story AND a great read!

    And no, you cain’t see muh bluuud…

    Great work guys, just great!

  2. Shannon Hearn says:

    This was a great story, nice touch of the Southern Twang. I loved how the questioning of self in this small southern town played out. This reminded me a lot about the time that I went to my Mom’s home town in Southern Alabama and all of the humorous characters that live there.

    Also… Snakes on a plane… Yeap that sounds like a Sam Jackson movie. kinda of like Formula 51, Pulp Fiction, The Man, Coach Arter, Basic, and Unbreakable. Sounds like a movie I want to go see. Now… Do I need to pack anti-venom when I go flying?

    Well to alert you to another Sam Jackson movie… it is called Afro Samurai. He does the voice of one of the characters in a Samurai Jack-est world sent to advenge his murdered father.

    Well I leave you now to look over new stories and concepts.

    “Whether or not what we experienced was an According to Hoyle miracle is insignificant. What is significant is that I felt the touch of God. God got involved.” Jules from Pulp Fiction.

    and in relation to your podcast and this story in particular…

    “Uuummmm, this is a tasty burger…”

    You get what I mean

  3. Frickin’ awesome… Wichita is amazing. I keep about 3 or 4 PodCasts on my Palm T5 for those times when I catch up, or I’m recommending ones for people to listen to… or I just want something great to hear. This is going on the list. It was just precious.

  4. Richard Green says:

    When I listened to the openner and hear that Wichita was reading it, my first two thoughts were:
    1) How did he get Wichita to do it?

    and 2) What kind of SciFi story would this be?

    I was incredibly impressed at both the story and the delivery. A true “home run out of the park”!

    This kind of quality keeps me listening to Escape Pod.

    Keep up the good work Steve (plus all those talented voice talents)! And of course the real stars are the writers who provide such good material!!

    Who knows I might even write my own SciFi short for Steve to reject.

    –Richard Green
    Macon GA

  5. As a corollary to Godwin’s Law, any discussion of this movie must eventually lead to a reference of Josh Friedman’s blog (note: unlike the podcast, this contains bad language).

    Snakes on a plane, man. Snakes on a plane.

  6. [Erk, left this out.]

    On the other hand, I have to agree — the story and reading were totally Airwolf.

  7. um, I’m hoping “totally Airwolf” is a good thing?

  8. [...] Don’t for get to check out Connie Maybe on the Escape Pod [...]

  9. Mike Goodstadt says:

    Love it love it love it
    or is that just the alien in me…

  10. Absolutely fantastic. This was the quintessential Escape Pod, from “Snakes on a Plane, man” to to the awesome father-daughter review.

    Wichita was perfect. I never would have thought I was a fan of southern-themed scifi, but between Mur and Wichita you could create a successful Dixie Escape Pod spin off. Or something.

    Can’t wait to get this on the next CD. It’s a keeper.

  11. Nora says:

    Oh, this was *hilarious*. The reader fits the story perfectly, and the story was a delight. Thanks to both reader and author!

  12. That was just simply awesome. A funny story, and Wichita made me laugh so hard that my coworkers thought I was having a fit.

    Thanks to everyone involved for this one.

  13. david says:

    I really do talk like this and I thought it was hysterical. I can’t advise anyone to listen to this at work if you horse-laugh like I do.

  14. WGH says:

    The single most amusing story I’ve found on Escape Pod and that says something – the reading is fabulous. I’ve already listened to it twice.

  15. Bas Wijnen says:

    Cool story indeed. What does surprise me though, is that nobody seems to have noticed that the intro says it’s still 2005. ;-)

  16. [...] Been listening to Escape Pod quite a bit lately: Sci-Fi short stories. Really liked Connie Maybe, by Paul E. Martens and read by Wichita Rutherford. Funny stuff that still manages to carry many typical science fiction themes: alienation, conspiracy theories, the question of self and sentience. [...]

  17. [...] Worldcon: Anaheim, CA, August 23–27 Bring Sigler’s Ancestor to Sci Fi! Wil Wheaton EP036: Connie, Maybe EP061: I Look Forward To Remembering You EP055: Down Memory Lane    Standard Podcast: [...]

  18. [...] So … John Howell hands me this CD for my car. He’s written on it in marker. It has two stories on it from Escape Pod http://escapepod.org/2006/01/12/ep036-connie-maybe/. [...]

  19. [...] Connie, Maybe easily is one of the best short stories I’ve heard in a long time. It was featured eons ago on Escape Pod, which is currently one of my favorite podcasts for short stories. [...]

  20. scatterbrain says:

    “…so, we beat him up.”

    Bloddy hilirious!

    I like slipstream stories; they have no classification boundries.

  21. Howie Feltersnatch says:

    Absolutely outstanding. I’ve listened to it THREE times–the only time I’ve listened to an Escape Pod story more than once. Sent it to my Dad too. Great stuff.

  22. F5iver says:

    Perfect marriage of narrative and narrator. Now everything I write has a “how would Wichita sound reading this?” filter, along with a “how would Steve sound reading this?” filter.

  23. [...] Connie, Maybe by Paul E. Martens powerpress_queue_player(‘http://media.libsyn.com/media/starshipsofa/StarShipSofa_Aural_Delights_No_51_Jeff_VanderMeer.mp3′, ‘powerpress_player_311′); [...]